You will grieve yourself when you find yourself
9/18/2025
As you get older, everyone around you will tell you that you need to “find yourself”. Go on a self-discovery journey. Change jobs. Move countries. Backpack. Get married. Breakup with your partner. Adopt a pet. Focus on yourself.
And while I believe doing any of those things will undoubtedly help you figure out who you are and what you need, no one tells you how hard it is to leave your old identity in the past. The nostalgia eats me alive, and I battle with my previous self. I cling to her like a moth to a flame.
I have since learned: Once you figure out who you are, you will grieve who you used to be.
The everyday actions that you used to love, no longer bring you joy. Your friendships and relationships you’ve had for years fail because they no longer serve you. Your dynamics change, interests change, your whole life practically changes. It is lonely, confusing, and damn near makes you wish that you could go back to your past self. Back to when there was a sense of naïveté and carelessness, nothing figured out and nowhere to be.
This grief shows up in unexpected places — even in simple acts. I will provide an example of my own.
My whole life, I’ve grown up around the water. Lakes and beaches, my days are filled with endless coastlines, birthday parties in the sand, and feeling the water on my skin till it prunes. I’ve always loved going to the beach and was bewitched with its beauty.
However, as I’ve gotten older, I started enjoying it less and less. The ocean is still incredibly beautiful to me, and I try to not take it for granted, but I don’t value it the way I once did or crave it the same. Currently, I live a 10-minute walk away from the beach, but I am easily bored. I don’t go in the water as much, and full days spent in the sand have become fewer.
In the beginning, I tried to rack my brain on why the change happened. Why couldn’t I enjoy consistent beach time like I used to in college? I used to dress in full surf apparel, wanted to get better and better at surfing, had ocean decor all around my room. The beach did not become less beautiful, so I questioned if I just so happened to become more boring. Who was I without the identity I built for myself?
Until I realized this shift wasn’t about the beach at all — it was about me. Traveling to Europe for the first time, I saw a way of life completely different from what I knew. I saw people who lived nowhere close to a beach and who spent their days in coffee shops, museums, bookstores, traveling. It was intellectually stimulating to me, because it was so different from what I grew up with. And I can admit that I am someone who craves and values change.
I felt this shift inside of me, and while I still spend days at the beach or in the lake when I visit my family, I long for something different now. This idea felt awkward in my body and mind until I learned to embrace that I had discovered a new part of myself that I didn’t know beforehand. I was discovering new bits and pieces, while simultaneously wishing I could go back to just being a beach bum all the time.
Being 22, I look back on who I was a few years ago — and some parts I recognize. My hair is still long, I still love a lot of the same music, I still have similar passions, but I also couldn’t be more different. I care deeply about new things, and parts of me have awoken that I didn’t know before. Parts that don’t wake until it is the proper time for you to meet them.
So I encourage you to meet the new you. Learn about who they are and what they like and discover how a thing you once loved so strongly, you no longer think about.
Take yourself on a date. You never know how long you will have this version for. And perhaps in the future, you may need to grieve this version too.