Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday. Queue Taylor Swift.

As exciting as it sounds, I have been reflecting deeply on the last year of my life, and why it has probably been my worst, yet most transformative yet.

Let me take you back to a year ago.

There were many life events that happened right at the start of 21, and I think the scariest part, was that I was handling it without the true advice of others. I was the first one in my group of friends to graduate college, have a full-time job lined up, and move out of my college living into my first real apartment. I didn’t have someone before me to help teach me the ropes and guide me through the terrain. Nonetheless, I was able to navigate the rapid twists and turns with the support of friends and family and land with both feet on the ground. Or so I thought.

However, as I dived head first into the new “adult” world, I began to struggle — and question everything. This was the first time in my life without having a strict identity. I could no longer be classified as a “student,” as I had for my previous 18 years of life. I was just another normal person working their normal job. As you can probably tell, the excitement & newness of all the change diminished quickly. And despite living in my favorite place in San Diego, I fell depressed and as if I was unable to keep up my happy & bubbly personality people knew me for. I felt extremely alone, insecure, and without purpose for months. I won’t get into the specifics, but it was rough.

At one point, the mundaneness caught up to me, as well as the loss of identity, to where I no longer really knew who I was as a person. I no longer had the comfort and security of university, some friends, and my passions that I knew deep down I was not fulfilling. Sure, I knew I found comfort in certain movies or liked my hair a certain way, but the “transformative age” of 21 felt as if it had left me with nothing — a feeling quite hard to describe in words, even as someone who finds joy putting words to feelings.

I knew no one was coming to save me. I knew I needed to make a change, to pull myself up above water, so I started with the only thing I knew how —writing. As you can see below, I began to write down items that I truly knew about myself. It could have been anything. Favorite colors, foods, movies, places, etc. It didn’t matter how elementary it seemed, I needed to start at square one to figure out who I currently am and who I still want to be.

I had heard previously that being in your 20s is a time when you rediscover your interests that you lost along the way of growing up. I also heard that it is the worst decade of your life, but that is despite the point (can’t wait to be thirty, flirty, & thriving). So, after making my list, that is precisely what I started to do. I hadn’t picked up a guitar in months, so I began to dedicate time towards playing. I used to love fashion but discarded it throughout high school and college, so I started to dress with intention. Above all, I knew I loved to write. So I started to take my social media more seriously and start a blog, which if you’ve made it this far, is the whole reason you’re reading this now!

I began to feel like myself again, knowing I had reconnected to who I once was. As Addison Rae said, “The girl I used to be, is still the girl inside of me!”

I also began to explore new interests that I hadn’t made time for yet, such as learning French. In the midst of all the adult newness of working a full-time job, meal prepping, working out every day, etc., I found more time for myself, which was the best continuous gift I gave throughout being 21.

I don’t think finding yourself is ever an easy process, and sometimes you may have to feel really, really low, for a long time I might add, in order to reconnect with who you are. I also know it is a cycle that will continue to repeat itself over and over again, so don’t be afraid of going back to the basics, and rediscover what makes you, you.

As I enter into my 22nd year, I hope you and I can continue to learn more about ourselves and transform into new versions whenever we are ready to do so. Each year is about growth, and the most important growth comes from your mindset. Plant a root of who you are so strong no one can shake it, and keep going as we navigate all the newness that comes with life.

You are never alone as long as you have yourself. And if it is anyone’s birthday out there, happy birthday twin ;).

Why 21 was my worst year & what I learned (coming from an optimist)

“Je ne sais quoi”

Start romanticizing everything.